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What is a Trauma Bond?

For many of us on the spiritual path, trying to be more compassionate and loving can come with a price. The price is that sometimes we can become too generous and give passes to those who perhaps don’t deserve our time and attention. While it could be argued that all beings, no matter how evolved they are, deserve love and compassion, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they have earned our time and attention.

 

For example, do you find yourself in a pattern of giving a lot of energy to a relationship, whether to a partner, boss, family member, spiritual leader or friend, and find that you have a tendency to overlook some poor behavior that they may be exhibiting? Do you turn a blind eye to small or large acts of cruelty? Are you made to feel that you are always at fault? Have you grown used to having the rug pulled out from under you with cutting or sarcastic remarks moments after just being praised? Are you frozen out or raged at when you express an opinion or feeling that’s different from theirs? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you may be caught in what is referred to as a trauma bond.

 

Put simply, we are in a trauma bond when we develop an emotional attachment to someone who is abusive towards us. We are like the moth drawn to the proverbial flame, pulled by the warmth, charisma and charm – in essence, the powerful light – of another person, only to discover that, like the moth, we repeatedly get burned.


This abuse can be physical, emotional, psychological, or even spiritual. The abuse generally follows a pattern; 1) while it isn’t always occurring (it’s intermittent, which means there can be many “good” times in a traumatically bonded relationship) it never fully goes away, 2) it escalates over time, and 3) you find yourself feeling more and more powerless, confused and lost. You loose yourself.

 

It can be very upsetting when we discover we are traumatically bonded, and breaking the bond can be hard work, but with time and patience it can be done. Often, the current toxic bond relates to an early attachment issue, where being loved by our caregivers came at a price. Something within us – our sense of individuality – had to be sacrificed to stay attached. When we are children, attachment trumps authenticity. It’s how we survive.

 

However, as adults we no longer need to relive these patterns. When we can see clearly that we are the moth being manipulated by the promise of the flame, AND, when we can accept that we cannot save the one who harms us (and that they cannot save us), then we are on the path to healing a trauma bond. This wake up call can be a turning point in your life. Seeing it when the time is right, and doing so with honesty, self-responsibility, and support, can lead to an act of personal transformation.

 

And ultimately, I wonder if it can be a signal that it is time to start offering some of that love and compassion that you undoubtedly possess – the warmth of your own inner light – to yourself?

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