In my previous post, I spoke about the phenomenon of traumatic bonding, where an emotional attachment is formed towards someone who is abusive towards you. This abuse can take many forms (physical, mental, emotional, psychological, and even spiritual) and can happen with an individual (spouse, boss, friend, etc.) or a group (corporation, religious organization, etc.). And while trauma bonds can be healed, it is important to remember that it can take a lot of time and support to get through them.
As Patrick Carnes says in his book The Betrayal Bond (I highly recommend this book if you want to do a deeper dive into this topic) there are three courses of action a person can take once they have identified they are caught in this type of relationship, 1) leave, 2) stay, 3) limit contact.
For some individuals, leaving a toxic bond can be dangerous. In these instances, a safe exit plan must be devised before any action is taken. Since these types of attachments are all about control, the only one who can decide when to leave a trauma bond is the one who is in it.
People in trauma bonds have had their sense of self systematically eroded. To regain their individuality, they can begin to detox from the trauma bond by:
· Focusing on the present and creating space and boundaries
· Finding support and practicing self-care
· Developing healthy relationships with allies and other safe people
· Being kind to themselves
Groups like AlAnon and CODA can be excellent places to find support. Working with an ally such as a therapist can also begin the path of healing from a toxic attachment.
One very potent practice that is helpful when removing oneself from a trauma bond is to pay more attention to what the body is saying. Since traumatically-bonded people tend to disassociate, this can feel very unfamiliar (and even scary) at first. Trained to doubt their own experiences (while simultaneously colluding with gaslighters), individuals can start to pay attention to what the body is telling them. A body-mind centred therapeutic approach can greatly aid in doing this. By using the body as a barometer to inform us of when something feels off, we can eventually shift the focus of searching for someone we can trust to trusting ourselves.
In time, trauma bonded individuals will come to know that healthy relating involves respect, safety, trust, support, accountability, and a willingness to grow and work through challenges. As Patrick Carnes says in The Betrayal Bond, “It’s amazing what betrayal can teach us if we are willing to learn.”
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